The Coward Hanatarou's Rant
by chancewriter
Summary: I have been known to be called a coward and I’ve noticed that a distinct hint of disdain usually accompanies the comment. What's the big deal with trying to live? I lost my life once. If I lose it again, that's just being careless, no?


**The Coward Hanatarou's Rant**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

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I have been known to be called a coward and I've noticed that a distinct hint of disdain usually accompanies the comment that I've now realized is an insult. But what's the big deal with wanting to save one's life or afterlife, rather? I mean, I lost my life once, that's how I ended up here in Soul Society. Don't you think that losing it again would just make me careless?

But people never seem to take that into consideration. They don't realize that their own bodies have self-preservation in-built to keep them from hurting themselves. It's the reason that the eyes automatically close when threatened with even a speck of dust. It's a reflex. So why do they call me a coward when I tell them that's it was a reflex when I ran away from that Hollow?!

I suppose it was that incident that led to me being placed in the Fourth Division. I have no complaints against that. Well, except for the fact that I was being placed in a division that had somehow managed to become the mortal enemies of the Eleventh – a Division that a coward like me would tend to avoid, what with their desire to kill and sever body parts just for the heck of it. I rather like my body parts and I would like to keep them as part of my body.

But the Fourth Division more or less suits me fine. My closest brush with death is usually being up close and personal to other Shinigami's brushes with death. I can deal with healing people with broken bones and a zanpakutō or two sticking out of them. As long as the zanpakutō is still in them and not in me, I'm fine. So big deal, I have to clean out a few sewers. Psh. I rather be cleaning out the shitty sewers than become spirit particles so that other cowardly men would have the strength to clean up shitty sewers. Yes, the Fourth Division isn't all that bad, except today when Lieutenant Kotetsu entered my room with a request.

It was a simple enough request. There was a snake in her room and she would like me to remove it for her please. I look at her in disbelief. I look at her, then down at her quite sharp and absolutely able of killing a serpent zanpakutō, then back up at her. She does not get my message that I'm trying to convey, which is, why the heck don't you do it yourself, _Lieutenant_. But I am Hanatarou Yamada, renowned coward with an over-developed conscience. Stupid conscience. I can't tell her 'no'. Who could refuse that gentle giant? I am simply too weak for her. I've had many a fantasy with just such a scenario in my head. Lieutenant Kotetsu would be in trouble. A Hollow, make that a massive Hollow, is about to attack her. She tries to dispatch him, but the Hollow is immune to her zanpakutō and Kidō abilities. Don't ask why. This is a fantasy. Little details like that are not necessary. Anyway, just when the Hollow is about to deliver its final blow to her, I swoop in and with a few quick jabs here and there, the Hollow is slain (again, we don't need to nitpick over details of what miracle allowed me to do that.) She runs into my arms and I lift her up (again, this is a fantasy and in this I am either several inches taller or she is several inches shorter; I usually don't fuss with the details) and she proclaims that I am a true warrior. A simple and innocent enough fantasy. Did I mention that for some inexplicable reason, Lieutenant Kotetsu is usually naked in this fantasy? Still simple and innocent, no doubt.

But that was just a fantasy. As in, it was in my head. As in, it's not real and never will become real. There would never be an opportunity that would arise that would mean that I would have to _actually_ save her from any danger. If all fantasies were to become real the world would be overrun with indecently rich rock stars and film sensations making award speeches after award speeches.

Nevertheless, I get up and follow her to her room. I cannot help but notice all of the extraordinarily capable men Lieutenant Kotetsu passed on her way to my room. All of these men seem very competent of killing a snake and without the pointless screams and cries for mercy that would be emanating from me. I sigh because I know that this is all Ichigo's fault. If he had never picked me up as the world's most useless hostage then I would not have been forced to help him and then no one would be assuming that I am as brave and strong as him. These people should just go back to lowering their expectations of me.

I open the door of Lieutenant Kotetsu's room with great trepidation. I look back at her standing at the door and she shows no sign of telling me don't bother. I look at her and cannot help but note that the Seretei shows no sign of gender biases when it comes to work. We have female Shinigami like Captain Unohana and Captain Soi Fon that are in top commanding positions. Everyone knows that Matsumoto, despite having the largest breasts ever, can very much kick your butt in battle. They are there for their merit. Yet, they still expect us to open their doors and pull out their seats. And I suppose that us men (Ikkaku-san once told me that I should never flatter myself and put myself in the same category as him) still want women to pour us tea and bring us food. The gender stereotypes prevail. I never had a problem with them until now. Now, as I silently creep into the room looking for an animal that most times have 'best left alone' attached to its name, I realize that no one asked me if I too was afraid of the snake. They just assumed. I have two choices. I can either reinforce the stereotypes and tell Lieutenant Kotetsu after this ordeal to 'bring me my tea now, woman!' (it'll probably be the last thing I ever did, providing that this snake does not kill me) or I could gradually break down the stereotypes myself – 'open your own bloody door, woman!' Again, probably the last thing that I'll ever do.

In my musings I spot the tail of the viper ducking behind the bed. It's black, shiny and big. Fear grips me and I recoil so violently that I bump into the ledge behind me. The ledge does not fall but instead, only the left end of it tilts forward and the vase of flowers atop it falls off and crashes onto the floor, spilling and splashing water that gets into the socket on the wall. Sparks soon fly from the socket and the light in the room flickers. It is then that the great, black and terrible serpent slithers up to the centre of the room. It is huge and hissing as if it does not know that it's visage alone would strike fear into the heart of any man. The hissing is unnecessary and I instantly know that this snake likes to show off. The creature pulls itself up and bears its ugly fangs and I think that this snake can eat me. It has the capacity to fit me inside of its stomach. Suddenly, a sick thought comes into my mind. Was that Lieutenant Kotetsu's plan all along? Did she want the snake to swallow me whole and after it lays there with acute fatigue she'd walk in an easily slay it? Oh kami no! The flickering lights, the hissing sound, the warm feeling of pee running down my legs. It was all too much. And I was grateful when the ceiling fan, overheated from the now sketchy electrical service in the room, falls and its still spinning blades plummet onto the serpent to effectively chop it into about five much more manageable and scattered dead pieces.

"Hanatarou-san, are you alright?" Lieutenant Kotetsu asks as she conveniently rushes into the room _after_ the commotion.

"I am fine, Lieutenant Kotetsu." I respond shakily. My heart beat is racing so fast that you could dance a salsa to it.

She looks around at the destruction caused by my clumsiness.

"Wow, Hanatarou-san. I never knew you had this much destructive power. That snake put up a good fight, but you sure fought back. Thank you so very much. I don't know how I could ever repay you."

I blush. I have a few ideas of how she could repay me. I blush even more at the thoughts.

"I never knew that you were so strong and so vicious." She continues as she scans the room and the scattered body parts of the snake. "Maybe I should talk to Captain Unohana about this. You'd do much better in the Eleventh Division."

I nearly faint at the suggestion. This only serves to confirm what I've always known. You should never do a brave, unselfish deed. I should have told her 'no' in the first place. It is much safer and easier to be a coward.

A/N: Review please. ^_^


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